To be honest, right now things have been all over the place. One moment I am happy, and five minutes later, I am sad and don’t even feel like moving.
Sometimes I just sit upstairs at my computer and think, what am I even doing? Am I wasting my time? Why am I not happy?
Where I am at Now
Right now I am sitting at the beach in Mobile, Alabama writing this. Funny enough I currently have a good job, money in the bank, my health, and plenty of things going for me. Although, the things that matter most to me like friends, love, and faith all seem to be struggling.
I guess this is what it looks like to be successful on the outside, but feel empty on the inside. I hear about it all the time right? It is that cliche story about a man who has it all, but has nothing at the same time.
Never did I think that would be me, but here we are. I have everything I want, but not what my soul needs. I am completely satisfied on my physical needs, but my spiritual needs are lacking. Those connections and people that mean so much, all seem so far away when I need them.
It’s funny because, I’ve always been so proud to have such a strong inner circle. For years I had people texting me daily who cared about me and loved me just talking to me all the time. We talked about anything and everything. Their day, their feelings, my day, my feelings, what they had for lunch, just anything.
It was nice having people constantly there supporting me and communicating with me who I trusted and cared for.
Now that’s all gone.
Either through friends getting married or just distance, my support system has slowly started to slip away. It happened over a few years, but I realized it all at once.
Sometimes I question everything.
Why am I working so hard to not have anyone to share this success with?
What’s the point of having the world if I do not have someone to enjoy it with?
I really don’t know. That is basically what I am trying to discover. How do I do things for just…. me? Throughout my life I have always leveraged my relationships and social circle to encourage myself to push for more, be more. I told myself – I will become really successful and make everyone proud!
I want to change their lives, and give back to those that gave so much to me. Not that I still can’t do that, but it’s different when those people are not as close or really in your life very much. It is also different when you do not have someone to love.
Naturally, I am a lover. I put that person first and try everything in my power to support and give that person the world. Without that person, it almost feels like there’s not a lot of purpose to being successful. Funny enough, it almost feels selfish to chase success without someone to share it with.
Finding my Happiness
While that may be silly, it is just how I truly feel. I was made from love, and I am made to love. It is my nature, my human nature. It’s in my DNA.
Even so, I must still find my happiness. But how do I find happiness, or joy, when none of my needs feel met?
That is the battle I have been fighting lately. How do I tell myself to be happy, when I clearly am lacking the desires of my heart?
To be honest, I am not completely sure. There isn’t an easy answer to that expect maybe prayer and patience. Apart of all of these feelings and emotions is a lack of trust and a lack of self love. It has started to really make me think – Do I love myself?
The easy answer is yes, but when I really think about it, I love other people more than I love myself. I always have.
I will do just about anything for the people I love, but for myself I usually will do very little. That is why I need them to feel driven. That is why when my relationships in my inner circle or with my significant other is off, things seem to collapse all around me and the world just stops.
I might love myself, but I do not love myself fully or properly. It is weird to think about it, but it is true.
Therefore, I am starting to re-learn how to love myself. Day by day I have to ask myself, what do I want? Do I want success? Do I want to work 12-14 hours a day just to move the dial a little bit or increase my chances for a new lifestyle, or do I want a simple life? Additionally, what do I truly value? Is it loyalty or money or maybe I value effort. I really don’t know.
Leaning to Love Myself
In this journey to properly learn to love myself, I first had to let a few things go.
A few of those things were friends, some bad habits, and even a lover. I had to let those things go, in order to figure out what I was really holding onto. There were too many things covering up what I was gripping onto.
I didn’t know what mattered most to me until everything else was out of the way. What was left was what I held onto.
Some of those things are fears and doubts about myself. I can’t love myself if I doubt myself. Ironically, I know I am capable of anything, but not doing it for myself. There are clearly some internal issues that I need to work out, and I will work out. With prayer and patience, I will find out what my heart desires for me and what I want for myself. This is my life, and I need to start living it for me.